Teen lingo - get yourself educated
Did he just say "Off the heezy my nephew?" What the heck does that mean? Glad you asked. Get up to date quick with Jonathan’s TEEN LINGO Dictionary!
Yep, just what everyone needs
- a youth minister explaining how shit really is on da streets, holmes. Here is a sample to whet your appetite:
- a’ight
- (Pronounced "ite") All right
- all that
- of a superior nature; wonderful or attractive. "That boy is all that." "That song is all that and a bag of potato chips!"
- all up in my biznezz
- when someone is meddling in your affairs or dealings. They are "in your business." "Quit asking about my girl . . . why you all up in my biznezz?"
- all up in my grill
- the act of being in someone’s face. "Yo, you don’t need to be all up in my grill unless you want me to flex you like a skeeza!"
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Chips Ahoy
Every now and then you do something in your life and realise that you’ve achieved another first. Sometimes you do things and realise with hindsight that you were lucky to get away with it, that for just a slight different set of circumstances you could have been given a sever beating. Something like that happened just last Friday.
I had been to an engagement do back in my old stamping ground, a place called Eastleigh (near Southampton). As I often do when I visit my old friends down there (approx. 1 hour’s drive away from where I currently live), I stayed overnight so that I could have a few drinks. This time I stayed at my sister’s house, and there was a bit of a walk back from the place where the engagement do was taking place. I was pretty hungry on the way back, so I took a diversion to the old burger van in the centre of town.
I join the queue behind a group of four people. One of them turns around and says hello to me - not just the chit chat of someone who had drunk too much, but in fact someone who recognises me from school days (I admit that I didn’t recognise him). "Colin Zaczyk," he replies. How could I forget a name like that? Well, I couldn’t, but I had forgotten the face, apparently. Actually, the name will always be ‘zig-zag’ to me, whatever the true spelling. Anyway …
I order my food - a bacon-and-cheese burger and the obligatory side order of chips (or fries, if you prefer). Several dollops of ketchup on the chips later and I turn around to chat with Colin – the usual small-talk: "Where do you live? What are you doing these days?". That kind of thing. While we are doing this, one of the girls with Colin (not apparently his girlfriend) asks me if she can have some chips. "Sure," I say, "I’m not going to eat all of them". We carry on chatting, Colin and I, and she keeps on picking at my chips, and then moments later goes in with both hands and makes a grab for the burger. I look on as she starts tucking in to the burger, this person whom I’d never met before and still don’t know even so much as her name. "Oh, she’ll just have a couple of bites," I think to myself.
A few bites later and I decide that she has gone past the stage of ‘entertainingly cheeky’ into just plain old ‘cheeky’ so I ask for my burger back. She tells me no and that I’ll have to come and get it. I warn her, "Look, do you really want to be wearing these chips!" to which she says, "Go on then". I’m stumped, I wasn’t serious at all - just idle threats in a desperate attempt to get back my food, and now she’s called my bluff!
I walk over to get the burger back, and even now it’s still semi light-hearted, and as I walk after her, she starts circling her other three friends. Colin jokes about me following her around like a sheep. Hell, I just want my food and I don’t care how silly it looks by this stage.
I make my protests once more, and then notice that there are no more than a couple of bites left of the burger. I hadn’t realised just how much she’d eaten, this stranger at the burger van. Enough is enough, I go over and grab her wrist with the intention of taking control of that hand and working my way up to take back what little is left to eat. "Be careful now," she says, "or you might accidentally knock it out of my hand." With that she over-theatrically opens all of her fingers and flings what remains of the burger on to the floor.
I cannot believe it. It’s only a burger, it’s not haute cuisine, but it’s the principal of it - the complete stranger whom I offered chips to a minute ago has gone well past the point of being mildly humorous and I’m left looking down at my food on the floor. I look over and see another burger on the floor, along with a tray of chips - her own food that she dropped moments before deciding that she deserved to have mine instead. I look back up at her, seeing that she has absolutely no regret: "That isn’t even remotely funny," I tell her "That’s just fucking rude!"
I realise that I still have nearly a full plate of chips in my hand, but like I’d said at the beginning - I wasn’t going to eat all of them. With that, I step forward and launch the whole tray over her head and almost in slow motion see it shower over her. I only regret that I’d already eaten the topmost layer of chips in all their tomato ketchuped glory.
In other circumstances, her three friends might have set upon me, she might have set upon me herself and given that I had been drinking it could have gone badly. As it turned out, she simply stood there surrounded by chips (and I wish I could report one or two stuck to her with ketchup, but alas, these details elude me) thinking it was all a bit of a joke - she didn’t even have the self-respect to realise that she should be feeling humiliated. As for Colin and the other two, well the other girl said that she was "Fucking rude and deserved to be taught a lesson" while Colin was emptying his pockets of change and telling me to go buy myself some more food!
I’ve never thrown food over anyone before - neither have I ever thrown a drink over anyone like you see in the films - but this girl just pushed all the wrong buttons. But it sure felt good.
So, I got another burger while they went their separate ways, but on the way back I passed the ‘chip girl’ and the other couple. She was staggering about trying to do something with her shoes while the other two looked on waiting for her to sort her shit out. As I strolled past them, they looked over and recognised me. I acknowledged them back by tucking in to my food and making a point of saying (with my mouth full), "That is a tasty burger."
