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Earlier this evening I decided to post something to the local Freecycle list - a mattress that we’ve had kicking around, never used, but is just a bit on the lightweight and (for me at least) not very comfortable side. I used the ‘message maker‘ - a web page that has a form you complete which generates an email with all the necessary bits required, including something called the fair use policy. I didn’t read what it involved, but clicked the checkbox anyway, as it seemed like the right thing to do. After sending the mail, I realised that it had added this to my outgoing message:

Fair Offer Policy: I agree to wait 24 hours to see what responses I
get before deciding who to give my item/s to. This gives members on
Daily Digest, or those who don’t have continual access to the
Internet a fair chance to reply.

Wow, that little phrase there really changes the responses you get. No longer is it first-come, first-served. Instead, the responses are all about who’s most deserving of the freebie. Here are just a handful of the responses I got (all typos are theirs, and I can’t be arsed to tidy up for them):

hi if this is still available i would be very greatful for it as our
matrress (passed down from family) has got the springs sticking out and half of the buttons missing,its very uncomfortable to try and
sleep on but cash is tight so cant afford to buy one new for quite a
while.we can collect anytime over the weekend sunday would be better
for us but if saturday would be better then im sure we can do that.if
you want it gone before that i could pop round after school
hours.many thanks lisa

A good one for starters. A mattress that has "passed down from family", like some kind of heirloom? "Here you go, son, this was my father’s and my grandfather’s before him, and now I’m letting you have it". My heart bleeds. Probably because of the those vicious sticky-out springs. It’s uncomfortable but there’s no cash to buy a new one "for quite a while" - evidently they’ve calculated how long they need to save up for a new one (but the broadband and computer obviously gets funded - much more important than sleep, after all). Fail! So, I thought this response was atypical. How wrong I was:

I would be so very grateful of this for my sister, who is having to use a blow up matteress at the moment. Due to a serious incident her mattress was taken away by police and she has not been able to afford to replace it yet. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Now it’s the sister who’s suffering, and on a "blow-up mattress" too. But what’s this? "Due to a serious incident her mattress was taken away by police". ? And again ? WTF? Let’s hope it wasn’t anything serious, like a stabbing incident which caused the police to remove it for DNA testing or something. And if it was, let’s hope it doesn’t hapen again - it’s a blow-up mattress, after all, and wouldn’t take a puncture very well. Anyway, if I am to give away a mattress, the last person I want to invite over to my house to collect is someone who admits in their begging note that their last mattress was in some way involved with a "serious incident" that required the police to take it away from the scene of the crime. Who are these people? Fail! Who’s next?

Hello I hope I am not to late to ask about this. I would like to ask you if I could have it please I am disabled and on a very low income my Husband is a large framed man and he has killed the mattress that is on the bed. It does not have any spring in it and I cant even lay on it these days with out being in pain. even to sit on it the mattress is uncomfortable. This would be so welcomed in my home please.

I think this one might be genuine. But the husband "a large framed man" has, apparantly, "killed the mattress". Perhaps it was the same man who was responsible for the previous lady’s mattress which appears to have met an unfortunate end? Anyway, they didn’t get the mattress on the basis that I know that if I find the mattress squidgy and not up to supporting my 13-stone carcass without giving me backache in the morning, it won’t be any good for said disabled lady and her large-framed husband. So, who’s next in the queue?

Oh, YES PLEASE!!! We desperately need a new mattress as ours has
outlived its lifespan and I’m waking with backache. I prefer a
softer mattress. My husband and I keep meaning to go look for a new
mattress but with a very hyperactive little boy we foster, we just
never seem to find the time to go looking and buying one!! You would
be saving us an ENORMOUS effort if you would allow us to have it! We
just never seem to have any leisure time at all!

Suffering from back pains? Check. No time to get a new one? Check? Tugging at heart strings by letting me know that they are good people who take on foster children? Check. Again, might be genuine, but who knows for sure. Finally:

hello, i would really love this as mine has just about had it with
the springs sticking through, and i dont seem to be able to get one on
here always gone before i can ask , or as i dont drive and have to
arrange it with family, i think they give it to first to collect. but
never mind if its gone i will keep trying, but i would be very grateful
of it.

Another person suffering from deadly sticky-out springs. Seriously, does this happen anywhere other than Tom & Jerry cartoons? Apparently it does. Swindon seems to be plagued with inferior-springed mattresses, by the look of it.

Oh. Wow. This is just perfect. I had said ‘finally’ a moment ago, but just as I finished the last paragraph, another response came in. Perfect timing! And this one has it all:

do you still have this available please? as a single mum i cannot afford to replace the one i have (which has springs poking out all over lol)..we have just moved to your area,we are in newhall street….my eldest and i could walk it round the corner at your convienience …
please please please…. i am so desperate to get a good nights sleep but what with christmas and my 3 children needed new ones when we moved alas mummy gets overlooked lol

In the end, I decided to offer the mattress to none of the above. The winner simply wrote:

yes pls can i collect it patricia

To which I replied:

As you replied with the most straightforward and non-creepy ‘woe is me’ tale, I’m giving you first dibs on this.

So, FreeCyclers, the lesson if you want something from lloydi is to cut the crap and keep it simple. Oh, and a bit of punctuation, spell-checking wouldn’t go amiss, either. Tsk tsk.