Miscellany: Parts 1& 2

15th May, Australia

Ian writes:

This is a diary, a blog, a collection of writings based on what we did on any given day. Sometimes it can be very boring to write just because we feel the need to fill in a blank, and when that happens we'll usually leave that day out, or maybe summarise as part of another subsequent post. Along the way, though, little observations and events that don't really have a home, a context, get missed out. So I thought it would be good at this point to do a little catching up of this miscellaneous stuff.

Some of this is inspired by coming back from New Zealand and seeing Australia in a different light (or retrospectively seeing NZ in a different light). And some of this is simply lifted from an email I wrote a little while ago to some people I know who are due to visit Sydney later in the year. I thought it was kinda fun and so re-purposed it for this site.

New Zealand Odds n Sods

  • I heard my first air-raid siren while in South Island. It was pitch black, we were staying in a caravan park near Franz Josef glacier and then I heard that noise that you only hear in films about World War 2 and the German bombing of UK cities. When you are only half asleep and in such a remote place, it is a very strange noise to hear. I forgot to ask what the reason was but saw no evidence of bombing the next day. However, I did hear it later on in the journey and discovered that the siren is used to call volunteer rescue workers to the office (in these remote, small places it's not justified to have full-time workers)
  • There are some strange fruits in New Zealand, fruits I'd never heard of before, and these included:
    • Feijoas
    • Tamarilloes
    • Kumaras (actually I think that's a potato kinda thing, so that'd make it veg ... ah whatever)
    • Boysenberries
  • One of the big stories in NZ while we were there concerned a sheep. No, this is not a joke ('cos there are so many of them about NZ and sheep). The sheep's name is Shrek, given to him because of his monstrous proportions. He had escaped over 6 years ago and managed to evade capture, and in doing so built up a very sizeable fleece. How big? Well, it weighed 25kg. 25 KG! Holy sheep, that's fur-king unbelievabwool! You could get 30 men's suits out of that (this is not conjecture, it's a fact). Imagine packing for a holiday, and overdoing it (as usual) by about 5kg, and then imagine how heavy that suitcase would seem to a sheep if you were to strap it to its back (what, you've never tried doing that?). You get the picture. Anyway, Shrek was finally recaptured and his shearing was a prime-time national TV moment; a few days later he met the NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark. You can't make this stuff up.
  • [Manda adds: Talking about sheep .. I have an observation about sheep in fields. I have noticed that the majority of them often stand in the same direction. Not sure why this is! Is it to do with the direction of the wind i.e. do they like to stand with their faces in the breeze so that they don't get fur in their eyes? Are they into Feng Shiu? Or are they just being sheep? I guess we'll never know for sure!]
  • There is a surprisingly large amout of road-kill on NZ roads. Mostly it's possums, in fact probably as much as 80% of it. What was strange to see was that this road-kill was seemingly keeping a large numbers of birds-of-prey (kestrel type things) well fed, so much so that they had become blazé to the traffic driving past (and over) their dinner table; so much so that we also saw a lot of squished kestrels on our travels.
  • Pastel blue NZ sky.
    There seems to be a different colour palette used for NZ skies. On any given day, I would look up and see the most amazing cloud formations but the thing that really completed it was the colour - almost pastel shades. Australia has some quite stunning skies, it's true, but it's just a darker and more vivid blue from NZ's softer shade.
  • The Snail Car
    We saw these little cars all over New Zealand, and they were never used as personal runabouts, but always as promotional cars. Ted (from Auckland) had one for the Pharmacy that he is a partner at; he called it 'the snail', and looking at the picture above I think you can see the similarity. I've yet to see one in Australia (or anywhere else for that matter).

Australian Enlightenment

Some tips for people from the northern hemisphere, or anywhere else that may not be completely familiar with some very Australian turns of phrases.

  • It's quite acceptable to wear thongs in public. All the men do in summertime. I've done it too, although it can leave some strange tan marks. Oh, hang on, you thought I meant a ... ha ha ... no, not a G-string, silly rabbit! A thong, to an Australian, is what you might call a flip-flop, or what a New Zealander would call a 'jandal'. Besides, I'm not gonna show you those tan marks.
  • If someone is 'getting the shits', they are not suffering from stomach problems, they are just pissed off with you. Well, maybe they are getting a case of Delhi belly, you'll just have to check the facial expression and work out whether its one of anger or desperation for the nearest dunnie (aka toilet).
  • If someone is pissed, they are not angry, like the Americans might understand the term (for angry, refer to previous point re: getting the shits); if someone is pissed they are drunk.
  • It is quite acceptable for you to drink as much piss as you feel fit while down under. The phrase: "Can I drink some of your piss?" means "Could I perchance taste some of your lager there, dear boy?" It is, therefore, possible, in theory, for an Aussie to say: "If that barman doesn't give me some piss pretty soon I'm really gonna get the shits." I haven't heard it though.
  • If you were to go into a bar in the American mid-west and ask the barkeep for a 'cock-sucking cowboy' you would likely get yourself into trouble (well, that depends on the kind of bar you go into, of course, but basically something that is not The Blue Oyster Bar). However, if you ask for it in Australia you will be given a drink that consists of ... oh I can't remember rightly, but it has butterscotch and some kind of clear spirit. I guess I must have drunk too much piss the last time I had a cock-sucking cowboy. Now there's a phrase that can't be said/written on its own, without all that previous explanation!
  • If you want to learn how to speak Australian, a good rule of thumb is to abbreviate wherever and whenever possible. A good rule for doing that is to chop a word in half and simply add an 'o'. Some exampos for you:
    • Servo - Service Station
    • Bottle-O - Bottle Shop (aka liquor store, off-licence)
    • Derro - A Drunk and Derelict person (aka wino, bum etc)
    • Arvo - Afternoon
    • Medico - A worker in the medical profession
      Strangely, fire-fighters aren't fireos but firies (fireys? I can't work out the spelling, only the pronunciation!)

Here ends another one of those general sweep-up sessions then. I hope you have found it educational and culturally enriching as it was obviously intended. Right then, I'm off to the Bottle-O for some good piss.

Hello Auntie!